1. How do I apply to the Cavendish Institute?

    The kettle, of course, is to be worshipped as the focal point of every modern home in ‘America’. The cleanliness of said kettle is paramount to maintaining a pristine image and a good impression on guests, relatives, and other kitchen appliances. The toaster must bow in awe of the grace of the kettle. Unfortunately, in my years of travel, I’ve encountered far too many kitchen faux pas. I am an activist of form and of technique. The kettle is not only an expression of wealth, but of class and taste as well. While seemingly banal and trite, hours upon hours of meditative thought are necessary before undertaking the taxing and extremely demanding task of integrating the flamboyant kettle into an established homestead with the respect that it is ultimately due.

  2. What does it mean to be a member of the Cavendish Institute?

    The most important components of the kettle are perhaps the least intuitive - one must focus their attention on three key pieces.

    1. Consider first the source of power. Electric kettles are superior to traditional stovetop kettles in one and only one regard: having a cable. Having a cable is a great deal of fun and there’s lots of things you can do with them1. Otherwise, they are nearly even. For traditional, non-corded kettles, there’s always the option of making tea2 directly as opposed to in a secondary vessel (i.e. teapot, mug, cup, or {god forbid} bowl). Not only that, but there is a functional advantage to being able to use the kettle in the absence of electricity, as well. Whether you’re camping or the power is simply out, spark a fire and boiled water is soon to follow. If you run the risk of having to use the kettle across the world, (acknowledging the pedantic and silly nature of this specific point) no travel adapters must be used to heat up water. While the relative advantages of the type of kettle one owns is beyond the scope of the issue, establishing whether your kettle is or is not corded is essential from a maintenance standpoint. It is certainly easier to clean a cordless3, traditional kettle than one which is electric. While one wouldn’t expect to have to clean an electric kettle frequently (refer to the point made about it not being advised to steep tea directly in an electric kettle), the reality of municipally approved tap water often has other plans in mind. Oftentimes, the tap water boiled in kettles can leave behind a mineral residue that, while some may find it unnerving or potentially unpleasant, provides no more threat to the home than unwashed dishes in the sink4. The antidote to such a mess is vinegar, a vigorous and careful wash, or both.
    2. Kettle placement. For obvious reasons5, this section mostly pertains to the oft- discussed electrical kettles which have certain irrefutable rights in a homestead. For most, the kettle belongs to the class of appliance that has a ‘permanent’ spot on the counter, meaning it cannot and should not be put away unless on special occasions6. This is for good reason – the kettle serves many purposes throughout the day. Moving away from the dichotomy between ‘traditional’ and ‘contemporary’ kettles (though they are simple terms, they are deeply reductive in descriptive prowess and adequate expressions of utility), understanding the effective placement of a kettle is key to maximizing output over time. There are a few crucial points to make here with reference to the placement of one’s electric kettle, the first of which is proximity to power. Unfortunately, counter space is at a premium and not every outlet would make a good home for your beloved bubbler. The following are places not to station your kettle:
      1. Near the primary kitchen sink7, neither directly beside nor in such a way that the cable could find itself affected by any water mishaps.
      2. Underneath cabinets, as the steam from the kettle may affect the long-term structural integrity of the cabinet material.
      3. Within arm’s reach of curious children or within the range of a dog’s happy tail.
      4. (For both electric and traditional kettles) In a location that is either sheltered in some way or easily temporarily shifted from where frying happens in the kitchen.8
      5. Far away from wherever the tea and sugar are stored, as that could only have negative impacts on the chemistry of your kitchen with a potential ripple-effect to the house as a whole. This is perhaps the most important.
    3. The third and deeply important component of the household kettle is the variety of sounds it may make, again this section will be divided ad voluntatum between the traditional and the contemporary. The sound, the pitch emanated when water comes to a full boil is of an utmost importance when shopping for your kettle. Listen for the sound, let it be a song. Whether it be the sound of steam pushing through the cap, or a mechanical song, let the sound that your kettle makes fit harmoniously in with the other appliances of your kitchen. One has the obligation of ensuring amity among appliances, the worst-case scenario is a kettle that grates dissonantly against the pop of your toaster, the notes of your microwave oven. A failure to comply with this rule ensures one will live a life of burnt toast, perhaps, or cold tea.
  3. How long have you had your kettle for? How do you ensure that he is happy? The kettle must be emotionally maintained, too, didn’t you know that? How long has it been since you’ve thanked him? Tirelessly, he toils and boils. The most important facet of the quality of any one kettle over any other is the kettle in question’s sense of well-being. One must be made to feel appreciated to perform. First and foremost, the kettle must not suffer. Happy machines must not suffer. Happy machines must not suffer. Let it boil, let it work. Let the kettle, like a proud racehorse, find meaning in his toil. Let him be aware of his utility, let him boil with pride. Let the kettle sing, not scream. Angry screams tear homes apart, let me tell you. The men who make kettles sometimes make them sad, or unhappy, only because there must be unhappy kettles for there to be happy kettles. Let not the unhappy kettle sit with vanity. Let not the unhappy kettle scream.
  4. Milch aber nicht schwanger

    SIGABRT
    The abort() function conforms to IEEE Std 1003.1-1990 (POSIX.1). The abort() function also conforms to ISO/IEC 9899:1999 (ISOC99) with the implementation specific details as noted above.

Footnotes

  1. Play with cats
  2. Or coffee, perhaps, though a French press would be preferred in that regard. Considering contemporary aesthetic sensibilities, one must consciously avoid the potential burden pouring coffee from a kettle could have on the potentially fragile minds and beliefs of one’s guests. The distinction would be one of nomenclature – a kettle used for coffee would, should, and forever will be referred to as a carafe.
  3. One could argue that this is a useless term, seeing as today one can find cordless kettles which happen to be, nonetheless, electric. Bear with me through technical inconsistencies, please.
  4. Potentially damaging to one’s reputation in the eyes of relatives, guests, and even uninvited acquaintances.
  5. A traditional kettle belongs on the stove. While there is more room for subjectivity than the placement of their electrical, corded counterparts, the suggested location is absolutely the largest back burner. It is my understanding and wholehearted belief that traditional kettles are equally eligible to have a permanent spot in your home, for many of the same reasons.
  6. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Diwali, Yom Kippur, Eid al-Fitr, Eid al-Adha, Ramadan (for reasons of undue temptation during daytime, though I can imagine it would be a mild inconvenience to take it back out once the sun sets)
  7. The primary kitchen sink is defined in this context as the sink with the most usage. Kitchens that only have one sink will have no problem identifying their “primary sink”, however for some, important distinctions must be made between primary, secondary, and perhaps even tertiary. While caution is necessary around lesser-used taps such as pot fillers, handwashing sinks, and potentially even fountains, the primary enemy in the eyes of the electric kettle is the primary sink. Discretion is necessary.
  8. Implications for traditional: Seeing as the location of the kettle is the largest back burner, one really has no option except to move it to an isolated area of the counter throughout the duration of the cooking in question. Implications for electric: While the base is ostensibly at a lower risk of impact, it may suffice to either avoid placing the kettle near the stove, or alternatively to also shift the electric kettle temporarily for the duration of the frying.